I called you for a reason.

• Don’t say hello and then ask what I want. Obviously I want to talk to you. 
• Don’t tell me to start a conversation then after I’m done telling basically everything I did today, ask me what I just said because you weren’t listening. 
• Don’t tell me to start talking again, because what’s the point if you’re not even going to listen?
• Don’t say that I’m mad because “I had a depressing childhood”. Matter of fact, I fucking did, and when you say shit like that when I’m already annoyed, it gets to me. Even though it’s irrelevant. 
• What the fuck is wrong with you?

I was supposed to go to a friend’s house for a get together, but I don’t even feel like going out anymore. I just want to stay in bed and sleep. 

Yet, I walk around with a smile as if I’m living the perfect life.

Living situations/college.

After high school, I plan to get married to my boyfriend and move in with him. However, after we get married he wants me to stay here for a couple more months so he can save money for an apartment and what not. 

Here at my home house, I am already not wanted. I’ve been kicked out once, for six months. And a couple months ago I was kicked out again, along with my sister and mother. My step dad has made it clear that I am not wanted, and once I graduate, my ass is to the curb. 

Since I have stay here a few months after graduation, I’m trying to figure out where exactly here is, because I know for damn sure it’s not at this house. 

• I could move in with my sister in law, get a job, and help pay her rent. But with the looks of it, an assuring job isn’t promising. 
• I could move in with Youssef, if he decides how everything in his own life is going to work out. 
• Or I could just live in a refrigerator box. I’m sure Appliance Direct wouldn’t mind handing one over.

I still haven’t even started applying for colleges, scholarships, anything. I know I need to, graduation is right around the corner, and I need to get shit done ASAP. But I’m just so unmotivated. I don’t know where I’ll be, so I don’t know where I should apply. I don’t know if I’m going to be moving around, so I don’t know if I can even stay at one school, or to do that shit online. Am I even capable of doing it online? My ADD self. UGH. I DON’T FUCKING KNOW WHAT I’M DOING WITH MY LIFE. FUCK.

In all honesty right now,

I think I’m having another break down. And to think I has having such a good day.

All I’m thinking about right now is Jean. Jean JEan JEAn JEAN JEANJEAN. I miss my baby. I really do. I miss him kissing my lips in slow motion like the movies, even teasing me a bit. I miss how he would play with my fingers in the car when he wasn’t shifting gears, because he knows how I just want to hold his hand while he’s driving. I miss how he would say certain things in certain ways to make me laugh. I miss having licking fights with him, not necessarily having his saliva all over my face. I miss how we would cuddle in bed and just watch movies all night, with him buying chips and cheese dip, because it’s my favorite to snack on. I miss how he would be super quiet in the morning so he wouldn’t wake me, because he knows how hard it is for me to fall asleep at night. I miss him forcing himself to stay up, just because I couldn’t sleep at night. I miss waking up and having him already looking at me and smiling. I miss taking showers with him, because they were actually so innocent. I miss trying to take baths, even though the size of the tub failed for us. I miss that he’d wash/put lotion my back because I couldn’t reach. I miss him looking and smiling at me when I got ready. I miss getting all dolled up, because I want to look cute for him. I miss going out to eat with him, because we never really got many alone dates over here. I miss him helping me into bed, because it was too tall for me to get up there on my own. I miss running my fingers up and down his back. I miss how he would try to help with a scratch, but he had no nails to do so, so it was just a cute fail. I miss the way he brushes his teeth, because he starts at his front teeth, which I thought was weird at first, but he just makes it too cute. I miss him making us “food” in the microwave. I miss the way he smells. I miss, just everything. Every little thing he did. I simply miss his presence. I miss being around him, and in his arms.

Only about five more months, Kristine. You can do it. Time will pass by.
I try to tell myself this. As if the days aren’t passing by slowly without him. As if I can actually stand being another day without him by my side..